31-days-of-horror

Day Twenty-Nine: Student Bodies (1981)

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:27:02 +0100

Day Twenty-Nine: Student Bodies (1981)

I'm sorry to say that I did not meet my goal this year. In the month of October, 2009 I only was able to watch 29 horror films. I'm very disappointed in myself, but it gives me something to shoot for next year! The final movie in my marathon is the absolutely worthless horror spoof Student Bodies. This movie has a total of one laugh, and even that one is stretching it. If you are really jonesing for an eighties slasher spoof, check out Wacko starring Joe Don Baker, E.G. Daily and Andrew Dice Clay. It's easily funnier than this turd. Happy Halloween everyone! Hope to see you next year!

Day Twenty-Eight: The Mutilator (1985)

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:20:40 +0100

Day Twenty-Eight: The Mutilator (1985)

This is a pretty standard slasher that seems to have been lost in the shuffle. There were alot of these movies made in the eighties and to fans of the genre most of them are worth seeing. If you can find a copy of this one, I highly reccomend it. The story follows a young man named Ed who accidentally murders his mother as a child and gets slapped around by his dad for it. Fast-forward ten years and Ed brings his buddies to the scene of the crime where his daddy is still lurking with some handy weapons. This movie has all the ingredients and delivers on all counts. There's some pretty decent gore and a heavy breathing killer. What more could you ask for?

Day Twenty-Seven: Winterbeast (1991)

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:13:38 +0100

Day Twenty-Seven: Winterbeast (1991)

I love bad movies, and I love describing bad movies, but some bad movies must be seen to be believed. This is one of those films. I couldn't tell you exactly what I saw, but it involved stop-motion animation, horrible acting, no story, and a truly disturbing sequence featuring some old queen lip-synching to the creepy children's standard "Oh Dear, What Can The Matter Be?". If this movie doesn't make you feel like you're on drugs then it will surely make you want to take drugs.

Day Twenty-Six: Orphan (2009)

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:07:16 +0100

Day Twenty-Six: Orphan (2009)

Sometimes a movie's twist ending is all it has going for it. Sometimes a big "gotcha" at the end of a silly horror film can either make the movie a worthwhile experience or ruin it completely. With Orphan I knew the twist going in, and quite honestly, it's the reason I really wanted to see the movie. I mean I'm the kind of person who would watch any scary kid movie anyway, but I wasn't exactly beating down the cineplex door to get my ticket to this trashy little movie, but once I found out the twist, I really couldn't wait. And now I will tell you how this movie ends, so if you don't like "spoilers" then fuck off right now. This fucked up little immigrant orphan is actually a murderous thirty year-old dwarf! That, my friends, was all I needed to know, and the movie delivered on its promise. I don't officially reccomend this film, but if you have a taste for the silly, sleazy, or hilarious you could do a lot worse.

Day Twenty-Five: MOH: The Washingtonians (2007)

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:49:52 +0100

Day Twenty-Five: MOH: The Washingtonians (2007)

This unfortunate entry in the short-lived Showtime series Masters of Horror answers the question that has been on all American's minds in the last few years: What if the father of our country was a cannibal? The answer: a bunch of lame cannibals in wigs would carry on his legacy. It's an uninteresting story made none more enjoyable by the hokey execution. Oh well.

Day Twenty-Four: Splatter (2009)

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:44:47 +0100

Day Twenty-Four: Splatter (2009)

Revered genre director Joe Dante reunites with Corey Feldman and uber-producer Roger Corman for an internet-only experiment. A three-episode choose your own adventure horror film from the good folks at Netflix. Feldman plays Johnny Splatter, a rock star who has recently killed himself with a wonderfully bloody gunshot to the head. Splatter invites those who have wronged him to his house to view his videotaped will. Once in the house, Splatter traps them inside and kills them one by one from beyond the grave. The interactive part is that the audience gets to vote on who Johnny will kill in the next episode. It's by no means a great film, but it's fun and short, and that's all I need.

Day Twenty-Three - Feast III: The Happy Finish

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 07:00:49 +0100

Day Twenty-Three - Feast III: The Happy Finish

Feast was a fun creature feature with a good sense of humor. Feast II: Sloppy Seconds was a lame attempt to make some sort of Feast/Troma hybrid that only succeeded in sucking. Well, with Feast III: The Happy Finish the filmmakers have picked up right where they left off. There are some slight improvements from the second film. For instance, the girl with the bright red hair is topless for most of the movie. Spoiler: A giant robot steps on a the last surviving girl at the end. Other than that it's more of the same: a pipe through the head, monster eats a head/shits a head, motorcycle disembowelment, midget catapulted/ripped in half/run over, pants-shitting, monster butt-fucks a guy through a wall, monster's balls hit camera, several severed limbs and a retarded jedi. It sounds much better than it is, really.

Day Twenty-Two - Satanic Panic

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 06:51:18 +0100

Day Twenty-Two - Satanic Panic (2009)

The so-called "satanic panic" of the 1980s has yet to get a good movie treatment, and this shit-fest is no revelation. The idea of satanists roaming the hillside and sacrificing children after listening to Judas Priest backward is such great source material for a horror film. Unfortunately, no one has truly been able to capitalize on that hysteria. Satanic Panic opens with a faux-documentary sequence which is amateurish, yet amusing. After this little prologue the film turns into a shitty slasher movie that half the time looks like a couple buddies made it in their back yards, and the other half looks like poorly produced Skinemax. It's a bummer.

Day Twenty-One - A Perfect Getaway

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:43:33 +0100

Day Twenty-One - A Perfect Getaway (2009)

Okay, so I'm reaching a little bit on this one. This is more of a thriller than a horror film, but I think it counts as it deals with a pair of serial killers who are murdering young honeymooning couples. Enter Steve Zahn and Milla Jovavich, two young newlyweds ready to enjoy a long hike in Hawaii. There are two other couples on the trail and the audience is supposed to be figuring out which couple is the murderous duo. The only problem is that the movie is so predictable that anyone who doesn't see the reveal coming within the first ten minutes of the movie has maybe never seen a movie before. There are some great over-the -top moments that really push it into new territory, but beyond that it's pretty forgettable.

Day Twenty - Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:35:29 +0100

Day Twenty - Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009)

The original Wrong Turn was a suspenseful, classic horror film that successfully played on my fear of Southerners. Its first sequel had a totally different vibe, but was pretty entertaining, and featured a great over-the-top performance from Henry Rollins. Wrong Turn 3 delivers some chuckles and a few good kills, but most of them are immediately diffused by a ridiculous kill, or digital blood-splatter that completely betrays the spirit of a good gore gag. In the opening scene we see a young lady topless (I'm listening) who then gets an arrow to the back that exits out her breast. Awesome, right? Right. But then her boyfriend runs into the woods and gets sliced into three gelatinous sections. It's phony, lame and very disappointing. There's too much time spent on the bus of prisoners that get embroiled in a battle against inbreds. I don't care about them, so it was pretty much a waste. Still, it's a horror movie, so I had a good time enjoying some moments more than others.